My love life is what most could call non-existent. I've been in school over half my life, extremely focused, and apparently never interested in any of my male peers...until now. Something happened about 10 months ago that changed my perspective and my desires, in reference to dating and relationships. I met this wonderful guy, who I overlooked at first, and kept him in the "Just Friends" category. Being a musician, like myself, I quickly learned some things about him, mainly through just listening to him. He's a very brilliant, focused, attractive, hysterical, man of God, who inspires me in so many ways.
A few years ago, up till now, I made a list of qualities I desired in a mate, or rather, a male companion, and prayed to God about that list. The list of course includes him being attractive, musical, funny, witty, godly, focused, tall, handsome, and a few other things I can't remember. These however, to me are the most important. All of a sudden out of nowhere, I meet this guy, who met the majority of these things. But I didn't develop any feelings for him until much later.
In the beginning of our becoming friends, he was very affectionate, which is something I'm not use to experiencing with a guy. I told you I was inexperienced, and not because I want to be. He would hold my hand, tuck my arm under his, stand abnormally close to me, pull me into him, you know where I'm going with this. He never crossed any of my boundaries and the relationship has always been platonic. He showed a side of himself that I've never really seen in most men my age. He wants to get married and have kids, be successful in music, and fulfill his purpose that the Lord has set for him. He encourages and challenges me to get outside my comfort zone, and saw something in me that I thought I'd kept hidden well from the world.
Of course my friends and family members would be like, "Yeah, he really does like you" and "You should totally ask him out." Even his brother noticed the chemistry and spark that we had together. Others noticed at school, but I tried to make it out like no big deal. But the more he kept giving me these mixed signals, the more my feelings for him began to develop. Finally one day, he invited me to go to lunch with him. We talked about future plans and music. On the way back to class, I broke down and asked him if he was seeing anyone. He answered, "I barely have time to see myself. But to answer your question, no I'm not." He then quickly deflected the conversation faster than I could say "Okay." It was embarrassing. I took it as a sign that he wasn't interested in me that way. From then on, his affectionate gestures began to dwindle very quickly. I felt confused and even hurt in some way.
I still carry a torch for this person. So far he's the best manifestation of the qualities I want in a man, but he's not mine to have in that way. Plus, I see the way he looks at other skinny, physically beautiful women who are younger. So I figure that's the kind of girl he's looking for. I wish I didn't feel anything, but the feelings I have for him are genuine and real, and unfading. He has left with my heart and he doesn't even know it. I wasn't even feeling him that way in the beginning, but I always knew he was different from most guys. He's not even what I would consider my type. Sad really.
Instead of obsessing over him, I've decided to try spending more time with Christ and His word, finishing my degree, and fulfilling my dreams and aspirations. Maybe that's the whole point of him being in my life; to inspire me to be a better woman, Christian, and musician.
